CHICAGO — Citing a lifelong commitment to ignoring his 401(k), local man Greg Millburn, 63, officially entered retirement Tuesday with a bank account balance that could politely be described as “metaphorical.” Sources confirmed he celebrated the milestone by screaming into a pillow and pricing out yachts he cannot afford for a lake he doesn’t own.
Experts advise retirees to pace spending and avoid large expenses early on, though Greg’s budget plan appears to be “don’t get hungry.” He reports his main financial strategy involves staring at his freezer and hoping his collection of expired fish sticks appreciates in value before inflation eats them first.
Though eligible for Medicare at 65, Greg opted to retire two years early, citing burnout and an unwavering belief in “vibes-based budgeting.” As a result, his medical contingency plan now includes WebMD, a roll of gauze, and never falling down again for the rest of his natural life.
Social Security will provide him with a reliable monthly check slightly smaller than the cost of breathing. To fill the gap, Greg is considering alternative income streams such as selling plasma, writing inspirational fridge magnets, or charging squirrels rent to live in his gutters. So far, the squirrels are not returning his emails.
Family members, sensing opportunity, have already begun requesting “small loans” ranging from $2,000 to “can I live with you for a bit.” Greg has responded by taping his mailbox shut and pretending to be out every time someone rings the doorbell. His long-term retirement goal is to disappear completely, or at least fake his own death at an ATM.
“I regret nothing,” Greg reportedly told himself while fashioning a belt out of credit card bills. “Except the last forty years of financial choices. And maybe the boat thing.”
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