LITTLE FALLS, MN — What began as an innocent movie night turned dark Friday when local couple Marissa and Craig Peltier discovered tiny “HELP ME” engravings inside every kernel of their microwave popcorn. The couple initially believed it was an elaborate marketing gimmick but soon grew concerned after the bag smelled faintly of despair and factory-grade bleach.
The Peltiers contacted customer service, where a representative quickly assured them it was “probably just a new branding initiative” before immediately hanging up and changing his LinkedIn status to “Seeking New Opportunities.” Officials later confirmed that the popcorn bag came from a factory recently cited for “employee morale below sea level” and “excessive chains on machinery.” The FDA reportedly shrugged.
Neighborhood children, after hearing the story, gathered outside the Peltier residence with magnifying glasses and sticky fingers, demanding to see the kernels. Several wept openly upon realizing the messages weren’t mere jokes but heartfelt pleas etched with the precision of a man who has nothing left to lose. Craig attempted to calm the kids by popping the rest of the bag, but they fled at the sound of the first sad little pop.
Authorities claim there is no reason for alarm and recommend all consumers “simply enjoy their snacks while remembering that life is fragile and meaningless.” The popcorn manufacturer, Crop Corn LLC, issued a short statement reading: “Our thoughts and prayers are with whoever etched those messages. We hope they find peace, or at least better employment, in the near future.”
As of Saturday evening, the Peltiers reported that the kernels’ remnants had reformed into a small but persistent mound on their kitchen counter spelling out “STILL HERE.” The family has since switched to pretzels.
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