KANSAS CITY — In what doctors called a “miraculous testament to water loss and professional delusion,” all main card fighters at UFC Fight Night: Machado vs. Garry officially made weight, despite carrying the emotional weight of unresolved father issues and six tribal tattoos each. The scale did not break, but several egos did backstage.
Headliners Vicente Luque and Ian Machado Garry both clocked in at the 171-pound welterweight limit, an achievement that required eight hours of sauna time and the sort of sweating usually reserved for IRS audits. UFC staff applauded politely while staring blankly into the void, knowing they’ll repeat this ritual next week with different names and identical concussions.
Co-main fighters Michel Pereira and Anthony Hernandez also hit their 186-pound middleweight target after briefly flirting with existential dread and almond-only diets. Pereira celebrated by shadowboxing his reflection for twenty minutes, while Hernandez quietly whispered apologies to a half-eaten protein bar. Officials confirmed no one fainted, cried, or ate drywall this time.
Fans praised the weigh-in’s efficiency, though many expressed disappointment that no one missed weight dramatically or tried to blame a suspicious burrito. “It just felt too professional,” said one man dressed as a tap-out logo. “Where’s the emotional chaos?” Fighters later reassured viewers they’d be making up for it with maximum violence inside the cage.
With all weigh-ins cleared, attention turns to fight night, where Luque and Garry will punch each other repeatedly in hopes of earning a bonus, sponsorship, or fleeting recognition from Dana White. The rest of the card promises adrenaline, injuries, and possibly a new meme. Pay-per-view pricing remains unclear, but experts estimate it will cost roughly the same as a small car or six emergency room visits.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
