TOLEDO, OH — After discovering a dusty VHS labeled Faces of Death in his family attic, local teen Kyle Merriman reportedly watched the infamous 1978 gore shockumentary and immediately achieved total clarity on why his father sometimes eats soup in total silence. “It’s all starting to make sense,” said Kyle, blinking slowly, one tear falling sideways.
The tape, which boasts a pixelated skull and promises to reveal the “true face of mortality,” was once banned in 46 countries and heavily circulated among teens whose parents thought they were just playing Contra. Kyle, unaware of its legacy, popped it into a VCR his grandmother used for Murder, She Wrote reruns. “Five minutes in, I understood why my dad flinches at squirrels,” he confirmed, now quieter than he used to be.
“Death is a certainty, an inevitable realization, the only thing that we know will befall us. There are no exceptions, no surprises: all paths lead to it. Everything we do is a preparation for it, a preparation that we begin at birth, whimpering with our foreheads against the ground.” ― Meša Selimović
According to local psychologist Dr. Nancy Pelham, the rediscovery of Faces of Death is not unusual among Gen Z kids digging through VHS relics while trying to go analog for the aesthetic. “Unfortunately, this isn’t Ferris Bueller. It’s footage of a man’s final breath followed by monkeys getting clubbed,” said Pelham. “And that’s just the opening credits. We’re seeing a real surge in quiet, haunted teens.”
Kyle’s father, Brent Merriman, declined to comment but later wandered into the garage and stared at an unplugged leaf blower for thirty-seven minutes. Neighbors reported hearing soft mutterings about a “chimp with human eyes.” Kyle now plans to donate the tape to the Smithsonian or bury it in a shoebox labeled “Tax Documents.” “It’s not a movie,” Kyle whispered, rocking slightly. “It’s a rite of passage. Or maybe a warning. Either way, my childhood’s officially closed for renovations.”
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