ST. LOUIS — A new report naming the dirtiest city in America has stunned residents nationwide, not for who ranked first, but because New York City somehow finished third. Experts describe this result as “physically impossible,” given NYC’s decades-long reign of airborne pizza grease, street juice, and rats who qualify for union benefits.
Topping the list this year was Houston, a city best known for space travel, barbecue, and now apparently air so dense it can be buttered. Researchers cited high pollution, pest infestation, and a “general vibe of sticky” as key indicators. One respondent simply wrote, “My shoes melted to the sidewalk.” Houston officials declined comment, citing heat exhaustion.
Coming in second was Newark, New Jersey, which is celebrated for consistently smelling like a wet napkin inside a diesel engine. Locals greeted the news with apathy, claiming they were just proud to beat Trenton. Environmentalists say Newark’s unique blend of trash, noise, and tears of commuters creates what scientists call a “toxic ambiance cocktail” rarely seen outside of failed theme parks.
New Yorkers were outraged by their third-place ranking. Mayor Eric Adams demanded a recount, calling the results “clearly rigged by a city with fewer pigeons per capita.” Residents pointed out that their subway system alone should have earned them top honors, especially after the recent fire started by a rogue churro cart and two sparking rats.
Analysts now predict fierce competition for next year’s title. Chicago has begun importing extra litter. Los Angeles has offered to smog up harder. Meanwhile, New York remains defiant. “We may have lost the title,” said one Brooklyn man, “but no other city lets you watch someone grill a fish on a manhole cover at 3 a.m.” A rematch is inevitable.
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