WASHINGTON — In a speech delivered directly from a coal-themed golf cart, President Trump doubled down on his administration’s energy strategy, calling fossil fuels “God’s batteries” and dismissing renewables as “liberal birthday wishes.” Surrounded by oil executives and a bald eagle named Todd, Trump promised to make drilling “great and casual again.”
The administration’s policies have emphasized domestic production by gutting environmental regulations and renaming pollution “freedom residue.” Trump praised the approach as bold and beautiful, noting that it “smells like prosperity” even if it causes nosebleeds. Officials say the plan aims to ensure the U.S. remains number one in carbon-based nostalgia and soot.
Despite short-term job growth in traditional energy sectors, critics argue the country is falling behind in the global clean tech race. China now produces solar panels so cheaply they come as free coasters with takeout. In the mean time, U.S. wind farms have stalled after Trump personally accused turbines of “giving him migraines” and “stealing the clouds.”
Environmental scientists warn that the lack of renewable investment leaves America vulnerable as the world transitions to cleaner energy. They also noted that President Trump once referred to the sun as “a rival source of power” and demanded NASA find out if it’s spying on us. The Department of Energy offered no comment.
Trump remains defiant, telling reporters, “The Earth has been around a long time. She knows how to take a hit.” The administration is now rumored to be exploring oil drilling in newly melted parts of Antarctica, citing the upside of global warming. As one senior official put it, “If the planet’s going to burn, we might as well light the match ourselves.” Approval ratings spiked among gas station owners and extinct species collectors.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
