WASHINGTON — In a fearless attempt to revive American industry and your childhood memory of buying affordable socks, the Trump administration announced new tariffs on imported goods. Officials claim this will boost domestic production, though they acknowledge it might also send toaster prices soaring to “luxury yacht” levels by mid-July. The economy, they say, requires sacrifice.
Economists have warned the move could significantly raise prices on everything from underwear to blenders, effectively turning Target into a boutique experience for the brave. “This policy might bring jobs back,” said one analyst, “but only if those jobs involve selling one TV for $9,000.” Economists are reportedly stockpiling ramen in case of widespread microwave famine.
The White House insists these tariffs are about long-term economic resilience and totally not a weird dare between interns. “We want American companies to compete fairly,” said a spokesperson, while eyeing a $45 imported stapler. For now, large corporations have subtly hinted at price hikes by adding extra zeros to online listings and whispering “good luck” in their ads.
Middle- and lower-income households are expected to feel the brunt, especially those who enjoy eating, wearing clothes, or owning basic electronics. Some families are already preparing for the shift by investing in sewing kits and medieval butter churns. Economists recommend consumers “adapt creatively” and perhaps “rediscover hobbies like staring at walls.”
Supporters say the policy sends a strong message to foreign manufacturers, though it’s unclear if that message is “Bring jobs home” or “Prepare to be blamed for everything.” As America braces for a more patriotic yet financially ruinous future, experts agree on one thing: you may finally be able to buy a Made-in-USA vacuum, but you’ll need to sell your car to afford it.
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