LAS VEGAS — Facing a rising tide of guest behavior that can only be described as “mammalian but not civilized,” hotel chains across the country are weighing a controversial new fee: the Feral Guest Surcharge. “It’s not a punishment,” said one manager. “It’s hazard pay for staff dodging airborne Keurig pods during 3 a.m. tantrums.”
The hospitality industry, once proud of its service-first ethos, now reports scenes that resemble low-budget nature documentaries. Rooms are left in states that require biohazard suits, towels disappear into luggage black holes, and front desk clerks have started communicating exclusively via panic blinking. Resort fees, initially intended to cover amenities, now fund weekly group therapy for bellhops.
Guests, in the mean time, maintain they’re the real victims here. “I paid $489 for a room with walls thinner than my last relationship,” said one traveler while attempting to fry bacon on an iron. “And no, I will not tip housekeeping. I paid extra for air.” The air, it turns out, now costs $14.99 plus tax and doesn’t include breathing rights between midnight and dawn.
Industry insiders remain divided on solutions. One group supports raising prices until only hermit billionaires can afford rooms. Another proposes a ‘nuisance tax’ for guests who attempt to hand-wash socks in the minibar or complain that the hotel doesn’t accommodate emotional support capybaras. Neither approach addresses shampoo theft.
As tensions mount, some hotels are adopting a more pragmatic stance. One Chicago establishment now charges a $75 deposit against potential “existential meltdowns” in the hallway. Others have gone cashless—not to modernize, but because too many guests were tipping in expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. The future of hospitality looks bleak, unless humanity collectively agrees to behave slightly better than a possum on cocaine.
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