MENLO PARK — In a desperate attempt to make Facebook feel less like a haunted flea market, Zuckerberg wants to restore Facebook to its original glory of 2007 with political rants and poorly lit vacation albums, Meta announced it will begin aggressively removing spammy content from the platform. Within hours, the site’s algorithm deleted 87% of all posts, four uncles, and every group named “Buy/Sell/Trade Anything Fast.”
CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled the initiative during a virtual press conference broadcast entirely in the Metaverse, which no one attended. “We’re returning Facebook to its OG roots,” he said, adjusting his human-like expression settings. “Less clickbait, fewer scams, more passive-aggressive birthday posts from people you barely know.” His avatar then smiled and looped into a wall.
The cleanup began by targeting posts flagged as “engagement bait,” including “like if you agree” status updates, chain letters promising wealth, and polls asking which cheese your personality resembles. Unfortunately, the filter couldn’t distinguish spam from genuine enthusiasm, removing everything from pet photos to Grandma’s annual threats to leave the platform.
Early feedback has been mixed. Users report seeing more blank timelines, broken memories, and one persistent sponsored ad for something called “Crypto Corn.” Influencers have resorted to mailing printed selfies directly to fans. One user noted, “I haven’t seen my cousin in days. His content used to be spammy, sure, but it had heart.”
Meta confirmed that penalties for repeat offenders will include limited visibility, comment purgatory, and being added to a digital group chat with Mark Zuckerberg. The company says the purge is ongoing and hopes to one day reduce Facebook’s content to one verified post per week and a shared memory from 2012 involving tacos.
Until then, users are advised to post responsibly or risk becoming nostalgic relics in their own newsfeeds.
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