CLEVELAND, OH — Thousands gathered last night for the 47th Annual Halloween Egg Throwing Championship, an American tradition where teens demonstrate athletic precision by launching eggs at unsuspecting cars, pedestrians, and ranch-style homes. Judges scored based on splatter radius, trajectory creativity, and how long victims stood screaming before realizing no one cared.
This year’s winner, 17-year-old Marcus “Yolk Daddy” Fields, secured gold after a high-arc lob nailed a Tesla mid-turn, cracking both shell and ego. “It’s not just vandalism,” said Marcus, holding his trophy, which was, for legal reasons, a pineapple. “It’s performance art with protein.” The Tesla owner was later seen staring at his hood, whispering “organic cruelty.”
The event, officially unsanctioned by any governing body, is sponsored by local grocery chains, who profit wildly from bulk egg sales and parental guilt. “We sold out of cartons in under an hour,” said Kroger manager Lynn Marsh. “I’m not saying crime pays, but it sure keeps the dairy aisle hopping.” Cleanup crews have resigned themselves to fate, armed only with hoses and vague resentment.
Not everyone supports the event. Area resident Don Beckman, whose house was directly hit fourteen times, referred to the teens as “scrambled terrorists.” His statement was ignored, however, after he attempted to hose down his porch and slipped dramatically, providing bonus points to Team Suburbia. He is now resting under several damp towels.
Organizers insist it’s about community. “We bring neighborhoods together,” said unofficial commissioner Andy Levens, ducking an airborne egg. “Sure, it’s illegal, but it’s seasonal, like fireworks or arson.” Police observed the chaos from a safe distance, gently sighing while writing citations they know will never be enforced. The city remains coated in sulfuric youth rebellion and the smell of breakfast.
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