PHOENIX, AZ — After spending nearly two years living without a job, home, or socially defined identity, local man Ezra Klein (no relation) says he experienced “a state of indescribable joy” and oneness with the universe, which unfortunately made him the ideal candidate for a mid-tier corporate marketing position at Oracle.
Eyewitnesses claim Ezra once radiated calm, sipping water like it was ancient wisdom and blinking as if each breath contained the secrets of time. Now, his day starts with buzzwords and ends in Slack threads. “He was the Void,” said one park regular. “Now he’s A/B testing banner ads for enterprise software solutions.”
The company allegedly discovered Ezra after an algorithm misinterpreted his public journaling on a minimalist meditation blog as disruptive thought leadership. Within 36 hours, he was flown to Palo Alto, given a Patagonia vest, and told to “reimagine user-centered content pipelines from a post-duality framework.”
Although Ezra initially resisted, citing his non-attachment to form, the onboarding slideshow featured a bullet point titled “We Are Also Nothingness.” He wept silently, then clicked “Next.” He’s now the Executive Synergy Whisperer, leading Monday meetings with phrases like “Let us now contemplate this Q3 deck as empty of intrinsic revenue.”
Ezra’s loved ones say he still experiences peace, just differently. “Before, he sat under a tree watching ants carry crumbs,” said his cousin, Amanda. “Now he stares blankly at pie charts and whispers, ‘All graphs are illusions.’” Oracle has promoted him twice. He has not blinked since December.
Asked if he regrets leaving the park bench life, Ezra paused, looked up from a spreadsheet, and smiled faintly. “Peace is not the absence of PowerPoint,” he said. “It is the awareness that all fonts are one.”
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