BOCA CHICA — Elon Musk announced Tuesday that colonizing Mars remains his top priority, boldly stating that “the best way to fix Earth is to gently abandon it.” The billionaire’s vision includes launching 100,000 humans into orbit with no clear return date, no healthcare, and an unsettling reliance on powdered kale for nutrition.
Critics argue the plan is less about ensuring human survival and more about finally living somewhere where Twitter complaints can’t reach him. Musk claims Mars offers a clean slate, free from pollution, bureaucracy, and, ideally, journalists. He estimates a sustainable colony in 20 years, using math last checked by a guy named Trevor who once built a trebuchet in high school.
Logistical concerns include oxygen shortages, lethal radiation, and the minor issue of Martian soil being about as nutritious as shredded drywall. Still, Musk remains optimistic, promising “vibes-based engineering” and a training program that involves watching The Martian and not panicking. Spacesuits will be designed by Tesla and are expected to be sleek, glitchy, and flammable under direct sunlight.
In the mean time, back on Earth, climate change, poverty, and rising inequality continue to worsen with little input from the world’s richest men currently preoccupied with getting away from it all. Critics suggest that if Musk applied even half this energy to real-world issues, we might not need to terraform a planet where boiling water freezes in midair.
In response to skepticism, Musk tweeted a rocket emoji and a meme of a dog wearing a helmet with the caption, “Better red than dead.” Shareholders approved the sentiment instantly. NASA has expressed mild concern. Earth has expressed exhaustion. Humanity, for now, waits, trapped between drowning and being pressurized into astronaut dust. Tickets for Mars begin at $250,000, plus luggage fees.
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