CHICAGO — Local man Skippy Hanley, 34, reportedly entered the stock market Monday morning with “the energy of a lion and the research of a distracted toddler,” only to lose his entire savings, self-worth, and broadband connection before his second cup of coffee. He described the experience as “fast-paced and spiritually dismantling.”
Skippy quit his job last week after watching two motivational YouTube videos and reading a blog post written by someone named “The Chart Whisperer.” He believed he was ready. “I figured I’d learn on the fly,” Skippy said, clutching a stress ball that had fully ruptured. “Turns out, the fly was on fire and the sky was fake.”
Over 90% of amateur traders lose everything they touch, and Skippy is now the face of that statistic. He placed ten trades in 40 minutes, citing “gut instinct” and a TikTok comment thread as strategy. When his portfolio hit zero, his trading app sent a message reading, “Maybe try crocheting?” before logging him out and updating his credit score to a question mark.
Experts warn that profitable trading takes three to five years of daily practice, ruthless emotional discipline, and a tolerance for financial ruin most mortals lack. Skippy lasted just under a full work shift. He now lives with his cousin and reportedly flinches every time someone says “market cap.” His LinkedIn has been updated to read “formerly self-employed visionary.”
Despite the crushing defeat, Skippy remains optimistic, citing an interest in crypto mining “as soon as the lawsuit clears.” He is also considering launching a YouTube channel to warn others. The channel, tentatively titled Buy High Cry Later, premieres next week. Skippy insists the thumbnail will be “honest and shirtless.”
© 2025 The Daily Snort
