WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance issued a stern ultimatum Monday, threatening to withdraw from Russia-Ukraine peace negotiations unless the United States stops being, in his words, “mean to Moscow.” He accused the Biden administration of pushing unrealistic demands, like expecting Russia to leave the country it invaded.
Vance, who has recently taken a leading role in shaping GOP foreign policy despite no formal diplomatic experience beyond once binge-watching Chernobyl, insisted that being nice to Russia is key to ending the war. “You don’t stop conflict by upsetting the aggressor,” Vance reportedly said while stroking a globe and frowning at Poland.
Sources say Vance grew agitated after reading a briefing that implied Ukraine might deserve basic sovereignty. He stormed out of a strategy meeting muttering about “Western arrogance” and the emotional toll of making Putin feel unwelcome. His aides quickly blamed Biden for “not respecting Moscow’s truth journey.”
Republican lawmakers remain split, with some calling Vance’s approach “deeply nuanced,” while others quietly googled “how to remove a VP mid-term.” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was seen blinking silently for a full minute before retreating into his shell of constitutional ambiguity.
In news that will absolutely not blow your mind, peace talks remain stalled, mostly because one side continues launching missiles while the other insists on not dying. Vance maintains progress could be made if the U.S. stopped micromanaging. “Russia just needs space to express itself,” he added, while presenting a draft treaty written entirely in scented gel pen and peace-sign doodles.
At press time, Ukraine’s President Zelenskyy had reportedly replied with a single emoji: the middle finger, raised high above a flaming backdrop. The war continues while America debates how softly to pet the bear that bites.
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