NEW YORK CITY — Following a startling uptick in Oreo’s international popularity, a new Pew study confirmed Monday that the cookie is now more widely recognized than Jesus Christ in at least 17 countries, prompting religious scholars and snack executives alike to update theological documents and marketing plans in equal measure. Church attendance has reportedly declined in favor of cookie aisles.
Originally concocted in 1912 by the National Biscuit Company, Oreo has since metastasized across over 100 countries, quietly embedding itself into the fabric of daily life like sugar-coated spyware. “It’s the creamy center,” said one monk, now a brand ambassador, who replaced his rosary beads with a sleeve of Double Stufs. “This isn’t transubstantiation, but it’s pretty close.”
In the Vatican, the Pope has refused to comment on whether Oreos qualify for sainthood, though sources confirm a private communion taste test is pending. Meanwhile, Na-Bis-Co executives released a statement acknowledging “humble gratitude” before entering a jet shaped like a cookie. Unconfirmed reports suggest the next Holy Land pilgrimage site is aisle seven at a Tesco in Birmingham.
Despite the fervor, critics warn of cultural fallout. “You can’t dunk salvation in milk,” said Dr. Greta Klein, a nutritionist who also recently lost her children to a charismatic Oreo mascot. Still, for many, the cookie’s message of soft insides and hard exteriors resonates deeper than centuries of scripture. “I just feel seen,” whispered one follower, quietly licking the cream like it contained secrets.
With Oreo’s dominance showing no signs of slowing, sources close to God report He’s considering a merger. Whether that means co-branding the Ten Commandments or licensing the Ark of the Covenant as a snack tray remains unclear. For now, the faithful dip, twist, and pray.
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