IOWA CITY, IA — Residents of a small town on the edge of the Iowa woods are reportedly “mildly unsettled” after a 25-year-old woman vanished into thin air late Monday night while taking her garbage out. Witnesses described “weird shadow beings” approaching her moments before she disappeared, but insisted it was “probably a raccoon thing.”
The woman, who lived alone in an apartment next to the forest, has not been seen since. Authorities confirmed they found no footprints, signs of struggle, or even garbage. “She and the trash just ceased,” said one officer. “Like she got sucked into an interdimensional recycling bin. Hypothetically, of course. We don’t endorse metaphysical sanitation theories.”
Neighbors described the shadow figures as “uncomfortably tall” with “movements that didn’t make sense in Earth gravity.” Despite this, most residents remain unfazed. “We just figured it was the weather,” said one man. “You know how Midwest humidity can get all extradimensional sometimes.” He added that the real concern was the woman’s recycling habits, which had been “inconsistent at best.”
With no leads, police have shifted focus to patrolling alleyways and revisiting a decades-old Cold Case involving a man who also vanished while carrying a box of expired Lean Cuisines. “This isn’t our first unsolvable mystery involving late-night frozen food disposal,” said Detective Carl Myers, pausing to sip coffee from a mug labeled “World’s 3rd Best Cop.”
Officials are urging anyone with information to come forward, but stress that if the entities are extra-terrestrial, “there’s really not a lot we can do besides asking politely for our citizens back.” As all this unfolds, local stores report a spike in daytime trash bag sales and tinfoil hat materials. “Nothing screams safety like a reflective dome,” said one shopper.
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