WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a disturbing escalation of rhetoric, major media outlets warned Tuesday of an emerging threat known only as “The Dark Woke,” a mysterious force allegedly controlled by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders, which they say may soon engulf the nation in moderately improved living conditions.
Unnamed insiders claim the two progressive lawmakers have tapped into ancient powers hidden within dusty union halls and haunted libraries filled with publicly funded policy proposals. Witnesses describe strange phenomena including free school lunches, reduced insulin prices, and ominous chants about universal housing rights echoing through Capitol corridors.
Experts suggest The Dark Woke could be the result of unchecked empathy coupled with dangerously high levels of social consciousness. “We’re seeing signs of coordinated compassion,” warned Foxual News analyst Brent Grimley. “It starts with food stamps and ends with equitable infrastructure.” Grimley then vanished in a cloud of trickle-down economics.
Senate Republicans have reportedly requested emergency funding to study the threat, citing eerie visions of empowered baristas unionizing. “These are not ordinary progressives,” said Senator Marlowe Tibbs. “They glow slightly when they speak of taxing billionaires.” At press time, he was frantically salting the chamber floor with shredded Ayn Rand novels.
Critics argue the panic is largely fabricated, pointing out that The Dark Woke appears to be little more than a convenient label used to scare suburban voters into accepting the continued reign of ghoulish capitalism. Nonetheless, MSNBC has launched a four-part documentary titled Woke and Possessed.
In today’s completely unforeseen twist, Sanders was seen conjuring universal dental care in the Senate cafeteria, while AOC levitated slightly after suggesting CEOs pay taxes. Americans remain divided over whether this is socialism or just common decency.
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