BLOOMFIELD, IN — What started as a routine grocery run turned into an existential crisis Tuesday when 34-year-old Craig Lerman discovered that every person in his town has been operating under the polite assumption he died three years ago. “People looked right through me,” Craig said. “Even my barber seemed genuinely startled.”
According to residents, the misunderstanding began in 2021 when Craig missed a block party and didn’t respond to three group texts. “We just figured he passed,” said neighbor Margaret Kline. “He was quiet, didn’t mow much, and had a ghost vibe. It felt accurate.” Since then, the town adjusted. His house was quietly labeled a historical site.
Despite appearing in public dozens of times since then, townspeople say they found it more comfortable to believe Craig was just “one of those active spirits.” One cashier said she assumed he was a high-functioning phantom doing errands. “He always bought string cheese and batteries. Classic post-life essentials,” she added, shrugging.
Craig’s reemergence has sparked confusion and mild disappointment. The local newspaper issued a retraction titled “Oops, Craig’s Not Dead After All,” which included an apology and a coupon for local cider. Some residents expressed concern about having to interact with Craig again. “We had emotionally processed his absence,” one woman muttered while watering fake roses.
City council is now debating whether to formally reclassify Craig as “technically alive” or simply allow the social fiction to persist for convenience. In the land of utter unpredictability, Craig has been offered a job as the town’s official ghost liaison. “It’s weird, but it comes with dental,” he admitted. “I guess I’ll haunt the living from nine to five.” He then vanished into the post office, which many agree is the most haunted building anyway.
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