GRAND RAPIDS, MI — After twenty-seven consecutive hours of staring at his own reflection, local barista Dylan Greaves emerged from his apartment bathroom Wednesday morning to announce he has achieved full spiritual awakening by confirming, without a doubt, that there is “absolutely nobody home” inside his body. “I don’t exist,” Greaves whispered to his cat.
Greaves, who had been dabbling in various forms of spiritual practice including hot yoga, fasting, and accidentally watching YouTube clips of U.G. Krishnamurti, claims his breakthrough came shortly after forgetting his own name, social security number, and whether or not he still worked at Starbucks. “There was just silence,” he said. “And a mild gas leak, maybe.”
Sources close to the 32-year-old report he now spends his time gently correcting strangers who appear to be under the impression they are real people. “You’re a phantom wrapped in cultural conditioning,” he told a visibly uncomfortable Uber driver, who was later seen rating the ride three stars and googling “non-duality intervention hotline.”
While some critics have accused Greaves of being either a charlatan or simply sleep-deprived, the local anti-guru insists he’s neither. “This isn’t a teaching. There’s nothing to learn. There’s nobody to teach. Also, I don’t accept Venmo anymore,” he said before vanishing into a beanbag chair. Friends remain unsure if he was joking.
Philosophy professors nationwide are reportedly scrambling to determine whether Greaves is the next great mystic or just extremely unwell. “He may be an idiot,” said Dr. Leonard Havers, chair of Existential Studies at a community college. “But he’s our idiot. And he’s probably hiring no one for nothing.” At press time, Greaves was seen staring into a cereal box and softly muttering, “This is the abyss.”
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