MENLO PARK, CA — In damning testimony this week, Instagram co-founder Kevin Systrom claimed Mark Zuckerberg bought his beloved app for $1 billion just to toss it in a digital dungeon and feed it algorithm scraps. “It was like adopting a puppy, then blaming it for barking,” Systrom reportedly whispered, visibly traumatized.
According to insiders, Instagram was once full of promise, creativity, and brunch photos. But shortly after the acquisition, it was confined to a corner of the Meta empire, only allowed out when Facebook needed engagement boosts or to copy something Snapchat was doing better. “We were just trying to vibe,” said one former employee, blinking slowly.
Systrom described watching helplessly as Zuckerberg smothered the platform with Facebook-style features, ultimately transforming it into a frantic marketplace of influencer anxiety and aggressive targeted ads. “He didn’t want it to thrive,” Systrom added. “He wanted it to submit.” The courtroom remained silent as a thousand Reels screamed faintly in the distance.
Meta representatives dismissed the allegations, saying Zuckerberg merely “streamlined the app into our unified vision of monetized emotional instability.” They denied all claims of intentional sabotage, then quietly released a new Instagram update requiring retinal scans to post avocado toast. “It’s for user safety,” said a spokesperson through gritted teeth.
Industry analysts suggest Instagram’s decline mirrors the lifecycle of every platform touched by Zuckerberg’s algorithmic Midas curse. “It starts with innovation, peaks with Stories, then descends into a haunted carousel of thirst traps and sponsored regret,” one noted. At press time, Systrom was seen building a new app powered solely by user feelings and caffeine.
Its terms of service reportedly include the line: “No Zuckerbergs allowed.” Instagram, in the meantime, continues blinking in Morse code, begging for mercy.
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