BOULDER, CO — In a stunning update to the modern survival diet, wellness experts announced Tuesday that eating tree bark is not only nutritious but “deeply enlightened,” comparing it favorably to kale, quinoa, and the emotional resilience of moss. “If you’re not gnawing a pine sapling, are you even thriving?” asked one nutritionist.
Long dismissed as desperate wilderness fare, bark is now being rebranded as “arboreal protein” by lifestyle influencers who enjoy chewing cellulose while discussing planetary healing. Advocates say it’s gluten-free, non-GMO, and contains all-natural existential humility. TikTok accounts featuring slow-motion bark bites have already gone viral, horrifying dentists nationwide.
Dr. Nara Clay, a self-proclaimed gastro-mystic, says consuming bark reconnects humans with the ancient forest and also conveniently lowers expectations for dinner. “Each chew is a dialogue with the Earth,” she said while coughing up a bit of birch. Early adopters describe the taste as “rustic, desperate, and faintly judgmental.”
Survivalists have welcomed the trend, noting they’ve been eating bark for years but never had the branding team to make it cool. “It’s paleo as hell,” said Doomsday Dan, chewing through oak like it owed him money. He then demonstrated how to fashion a spoon from bark for added irony.
Critics argue the bark craze is just a symptom of late-stage capitalism in collapse mode. “If we’re glorifying wood snacks, maybe civilization needs a nap,” said one sociologist. In a twist so unexpected it loops right back to expected, Whole Foods has reportedly begun stocking artisanal bark chips labeled “Forest Crisps” at $14.99 a bag, bark not included.
At press time, a new startup had launched offering monthly subscriptions to regional bark varieties, promising customers a spiritual journey through fiber, famine, and forest floor dining. Early reviews described it as “chewy, enlightening, and legally food adjacent.”
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