LOS ANGELES — In a powerful statement that baffled scientists and hairstylists alike, actress Demi Moore announced Tuesday that gray hair is not only “a sign of wisdom and aging,” but also “a metaphysical beacon guiding fairies to your soul.” This marks her fifth consecutive interview in which hair pigment was framed as spiritual awakening.
The 61-year-old celebrity, whose hair has not changed color since the Bush administration, claims silver strands are “like antennae to the unseen world,” specifically tuned to frequencies of woodland spirits. During a recent meditation retreat, Moore says her gray roots began “humming with ancient energy,” attracting what she describes as “dozens of tiny, shimmering forest entities.” She insists they now advise her on skincare.
Eyewitnesses at the retreat noted Moore speaking at length to a mossy tree stump, later revealed to be a natural formation and not, in fact, a portal. Dermatologists remain unconvinced by her claims, but one anonymous L’Oréal intern admitted the marketing department is “running the numbers on fairy-based hair dye.” In response to skepticism, Moore has begun selling moon-charged brushes and “elf-summoning shampoo” exclusively via Instagram Live.
In Beverly Hills, a small group of followers have started letting their hair go gray intentionally, gathering at Whole Foods parking lots to chant for forest spirits. Local police report no crimes but “a lot of unnecessary flute playing.” When asked whether she feared ridicule, Moore smiled serenely and replied, “The fairies said you’d ask that.”
Experts remain divided on whether the actress has achieved enlightenment, lost her mind, or successfully rebranded aging as high fantasy. Her next book, Glamour of the Gnome: My Journey Through Hair and Hedges, releases this summer.
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