NEW YORK — A recent study reveals a shocking connection between rampant coffee consumption and a widespread refusal to acknowledge the zombie apocalypse. According to research from the prestigious Institute of Denial Studies, caffeine has been proven to dull the human brain’s ability to recognize catastrophic societal collapse. This leaves coffee drinkers blissfully unaware as undead hordes tear through cities.
“We’ve been monitoring the situation in Lakewood for weeks,” said Dr. Carol Steadfast, lead researcher. “The signs of a full-on zombie outbreak were clear—feverish symptoms, violent behavior, and dismembered bodies—but coffee drinkers still insisted it was just a flu outbreak. Simultaneously, the infected were roaming the streets, dragging lifeless bodies across town. They were too busy brewing lattes to notice.”
The phenomenon isn’t isolated to Lakewood. Reports show that as long as coffee shops remain open, people continue their usual routines of ignoring apocalyptic chaos. Survivors, particularly those not fueled by caffeine, have reported frustration with the indifference displayed by coffee addicts. One survivor recalled, “I watched as zombies tore through the mall while a barista argued with a customer about almond milk. It was surreal.”
Experts say the widespread denial can be traced back to the “first sip effect,” where the moment caffeine hits the bloodstream, humans enter a temporary state of delusion, convinced that life can continue as normal despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. “As long as Starbucks keeps brewing, the apocalypse can wait,” explained Dr. Steadfast. “After all, who can focus on survival when there’s a seasonal pumpkin spice latte to enjoy?”
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