WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has bravely declared war on food dyes, the vibrant, nostalgia-coated toxins responsible for 94% of childhood joy. Citing their pesky habit of maybe causing cancer and possibly rewiring toddlers into Tasmanian devils, Kennedy announced a noble crusade to replace America’s candy aisle with beige organic oat clusters.
Kennedy, who famously understands science better than scientists, demanded the FDA immediately ban Red 40, Yellow 5, and other rainbow-colored crimes against humanity. He pointed to European bans as proof, boldly ignoring that Europe also frowns on root beer and spray cheese. “If something tastes too good, it’s probably trying to kill you,” he may have said, energetically gnawing on a stick of celery.
The FDA responded by falling asleep in a chair labeled “Lobbyist Consultations,” later waking to express concern that removing food dyes could hurt innovation in cereals shaped like ghosts, bats, or unidentifiable blobs. Industry insiders privately worried that without neon colors, children might learn to identify food by flavor rather than hue, possibly leading to critical thinking.
Critics argue Kennedy’s plan would unfairly target the chemically enhanced childhoods of millions who turned out just fine, excluding those currently screaming at an Arby’s cashier. Some experts agree that removing dyes is “not the dumbest idea he’s ever had,” though many admitted that’s a low bar. Still, Kennedy remains undeterred.
“We must protect our children from dangerous colors,” he declared while examining a Gusher under UV light like it was radioactive plutonium. The campaign has already gained support from organic food stores, European vacationers, and kids who think chalk is a food group. As always, the FDA promises to carefully weigh the science, eventually, after consulting a box of Happy Loops.
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