NEW YORK — In a new report met with widespread indifference, the National Health Institute confirmed that cheesecake consumption has surpassed all recommended human limits, leading to an emergent condition now classified as “Dairy-Based Spiritual Collapse.” Researchers say the average American consumes enough cheesecake annually to construct a defensive wall against moderately-sized bears, which remains an untested application.
Doctors warn that chronic cheesecake dependency is resulting in severe side effects, including hallucinations of sentient graham crackers and misplaced confidence in one’s ability to run a bakery. “One man insisted his cheesecake whispered stock tips,” said Dr. Linda Greel. “He lost everything investing in a raccoon-based crypto startup named Furrcoin.” Tragically, it was the raccoon’s third offense.
The White House issued a bland, cheesecake-shaped statement assuring the public it is “monitoring the situation,” although President Clark was later spotted spooning cheesecake into his coat pocket during a press conference. Aides claim it was a misunderstanding involving “cheese yogurt diplomacy,” which appears to not be a real thing but will likely receive funding anyway.
In other “mind-altering” news, an underground movement known as Crustbreakers is encouraging citizens to give up cheesecake entirely in favor of celery and emotional honesty. The group has three members, two of whom have relapsed. “We just want to taste color again,” said founding member Tyler, while gently licking a laminated photo of a broccoli floret.
Grocery stores report shelves cleared of all cheesecake varieties, including the controversial “Four Cheese Espresso Swirl” and the limited-edition “Existential Oreo.” Scientists are pleading with the public to reintroduce solid food groups, or at least chew occasionally. “This isn’t about cheesecake anymore,” said Dr. Greel. “This is about what happens when dairy goes unchecked, and society forgets fear.”
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