VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis at age 88 on Easter Monday, reports indicate that God has not yet made a decision on the next Pope and is instead “just taking a walk to clear His head.” Sources confirm Heaven has entered what one archangel described as a “spiritual holding pattern.”
Cardinals have begun secret deliberations in the Sistine Chapel, but one insider claims the Holy Spirit has “ghosted” the room, reportedly mumbling something about “needing a moment.” For now, God was last seen wandering across a celestial meadow, pausing occasionally to sigh deeply and stare into space. The sun reportedly dimmed twice.
“He’s been pacing,” said Archangel Raphael, who added God also muttered, ‘Maybe this time I’ll pick someone who reads the job description.’ Despite mounting pressure, the divine being has postponed all appointments, including two miracles and one scheduled smiting. Heaven’s voicemail is currently full.
Back on Earth, Catholics worldwide await the outcome of the papal conclave while Satan is said to be “actively lobbying” for several frontrunners. According to sources in Hell, Satan has been offering discreet favors like free Wi-Fi in confessionals and a slightly cooler brimstone tier for Cardinals willing to bend. “You’d be surprised who’s picking up the phone,” one demon grinned.
Purgatory is reportedly neutral but “watching with interest.” In the mean time, God has begun sketching potential Pope ideas in a cloud-bound notebook labeled “Do Not Let Angels See.” Among the doodles: a talking dog in papal robes and an exasperated stick figure labeled “Ugh, Maybe Just Me Again.” Insiders believe He’ll return soon. “Once He remembers where He parked existence, things will move fast,” said one cherub, chewing nervously on a corner of Revelation.
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