WASHINGTON — In a press conference held just before lunch and several tax write-offs, Education Secretary Linda McMahon stunned absolutely no one by declaring student loan forgiveness a “gateway drug to having hopes.” McMahon, who once co-founded an empire built on people being hit with folding chairs, criticized borrowers for “greedily” wanting solvency.
“They knew what they were getting into,” McMahon said, referring to the 17-year-olds who borrowed $100K to major in public health. “They could all repay it if they stopped buying groceries and aspiring.” She insisted the recent push for debt cancellation is less about fairness and more about “suckling from the warm teat of taxpayer-funded dreams,” which she clarified is not a metaphor she regrets.
Critics argue that McMahon’s stance ignores broader economic disparities, skyrocketing tuition, and stagnant wages, to which she responded, “Yes.” She later explained that blanket forgiveness would encourage laziness, undermining the sacred American tradition of graduating with a diploma and an emotional support bartending job. “This is about responsibility,” she added while closing a door shaped like a giant gold dollar sign.
Proponents of debt relief say student loans are crushing entire generations, stalling homeownership, and worsening mental health. McMahon countered that “suffering builds character,” before reminiscing fondly about the time she elbow-dropped empathy from the top rope. “If we start forgiving loans, what’s next? Affordable insulin? Happiness?” she asked, shivering theatrically.
The Department of Education later clarified McMahon’s remarks, stating she was merely highlighting the dangers of government dependency and uncrushed spirits. At press time, she was reportedly drafting a new initiative: “Wrestle Your Debt to the Ground,” a work-study program pairing borrowers with billionaires in a steel cage of market competition and crushed ambition.
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