CANADA — The once majestic unicorn, a symbol of purity, magic, and overly ambitious Pinterest boards, has officially been declared extinct, with climate change being held responsible for its rapid decline. Environmental experts say the majestic creatures simply couldn’t cope with the heatwaves, floods, and dramatic shifts in their glitter-filled habitats. The unicorn’s signature horn, once used for channeling cosmic energy, now serves as a tragic reminder of the unrelenting march of global warming.
Unicorns, which historically roamed lush forests and enchanted meadows, began disappearing roughly 40 years ago as temperature shifts rendered their environments inhospitable. Biologists claim these graceful beings were unable to handle the rise in ocean levels, frequent wildfires, or the sharp increase in TikTok videos promoting veganism. “Unicorns were just too sensitive for the modern world,” said Dr. Lydia Thornwood, an ecologist at the University of Pure Imagination. “They needed a stable ecosystem to thrive, not endless waves of influencer-driven plant-based diets.”
The extinction, nevertheless, was not a sudden event. “It started with them losing their magical glow,” explained Thornwood. “Then, they began disappearing in large numbers, likely in search of cooler climates—perhaps to Canada or Scandinavia. Unfortunately, those regions didn’t offer the environmental stability they needed either.” Many speculate that if the creatures had taken better care of their hooves and stopped drinking from plastic water bottles, they might still be around today.
Conservationists, now focusing on the preservation of sentient beings like inflatable pool toys, have called for swift action to save endangered species that still have a chance of thriving. “There’s hope for many, but unicorns are officially part of the myth.”
© 2025 The Daily Snort
