CALIFORNIA — A groundbreaking new study released Friday confirmed what girlfriends have long suspected: American men are under the deeply delusional impression that Twitch e-girls are basically dating them already, just taking it slow. Researchers cited hundreds of hours of one-sided chats, tier-three subs, and $40 bath water receipts as damning evidence.
The study found that 83% of men who regularly watch female Twitch streamers genuinely believe their “connection” is mutual and that “one day she’ll know I’m different.” Analysts described this as a “deep psychological romance loop,” where men confuse consumer behavior with emotional intimacy and Paypal transactions with meaningful courtship rituals. It’s romance with a receipt.
“Every time she thanks me for the donation, I know she means it,” said Jared, 29, clutching a limited edition body pillow. Jared has spent over $7,000 this year alone. He says he’s planning a big trip to TwitchCon to finally meet “his future ex-wife” in the flesh. When asked if she knew him, Jared nodded solemnly. “She always reads my username right. That’s fate.”
Twitch e-girls, meanwhile, remain baffled and mildly alarmed. “They keep asking if I saw their message from 2022,” said streamer SoftieGoblin69, who recently bought a new car with simpbucks. “I’m literally just singing in a wig while eating string cheese. I don’t know why they think we’re soulmates.” Her average stream features twelve hours of silence, an anime filter, and $10,000 in donations.
Experts warn the phenomenon may be escalating. Girlfriends across the country are staging interventions with the phrase, “She’s not real, Brad.” But the men are already gone, whispering sweet nothings into chat, praying their next $5.99 will unlock true love, or at least a personalized thank you.
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