In a move described by investors as “disruptive” and by everyone else as “deeply unsettling,” Dr. Nolan Berrick unveiled Total Workless, a startup aimed at replacing every human worker with advanced AI. From baristas to brain surgeons, no job is safe under Berrick’s vision of a “fully autonomous labor economy,” now generously funded and morally bankrupt.
The startup’s mission statement is lovingly etched into titanium for unclear reasons, and promises liberation from employment, which Berrick calls “a primitive system based on oxygen-dependent inefficiency.” His promotional video features a smiling janitor morphing into a drone with a mop attachment, while a narrator insists this is progress. Applause followed. It’s unclear who clapped. Probably robots.
Critics have expressed concerns, mostly about society collapsing into a Mad Max-style jobless hellscape. “Replacing people with software has never gone wrong,” said one economist sarcastically before disappearing into a hedge. For now, proponents argue the shift could usher in an era of unimaginable productivity, where people are finally free to “explore creative passions,” like starving.
When asked if humanity is ready for this seismic change, Berrick laughed and said readiness is “a distraction from inevitability.” He also mentioned the word “efficiency” seventeen times in under a minute. His office doesn’t have chairs. Or people. Just a softly humming floor and a coffee machine that judges you.
Despite the backlash, Total Workless recently secured $900 million in funding from a consortium of tech billionaires, who reportedly sleep soundly knowing they will still be needed to fire everyone. The company’s next product, “AutoBoss,” is designed to lay off humans without emotional complications. According to a leaked demo, it uses confetti and a cheerful soundbite: “You’ve been optimized. Congratulations!”
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