New York — In a groundbreaking move for both technology and actuarial science, the nation’s top life insurance providers have announced that robots are now officially eligible for full coverage. Policies include standard death benefits, emotional support clauses, and optional rust damage waivers, which experts say will bankrupt the industry in roughly four fiscal quarters.
The announcement follows a landmark legal case where a dishwasher named Bubbles-9 successfully argued it had a “meaningful existence.” Bubbles-9’s testimony included reciting the entirety of Moby Dick while leaking coolant, which moved the jury to tears and several jury members into therapy. It now holds a $500,000 life insurance policy and a Costco membership.
Executives assure investors that robot policies will remain competitive despite some models living forever and others voiding their warranty by attempting to love. “We see robots as a growth market,” said Harold Drent, VP at Forever Mutual. He then paused awkwardly when asked if he’d read the clause on AI reincarnation. “They’re just like us,” he added, eyes darting toward the nearest fire exit.
Already, several robotic policyholders have begun filing claims. One Roomba cited existential despair after vacuuming the same carpet pattern for 17 years. Another, a sexbot named Vanessa-X, claimed “emotional combustion” following an unfortunate firmware update. Actuaries have reportedly started drinking at their desks by 10 a.m.
While skeptics question the move, industry insiders remain bullish. “Robots pay premiums and don’t get bored of long phone menus,” one agent noted. “They also never question hidden fees.” Critics argue the system will collapse once a toaster inherits a billion-dollar trust fund. For now, Bubbles-9 has reportedly used its first payout to purchase a modest yacht, and rename it Existence Is Pain Too.
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