WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shock rippled through the Internal Revenue Service Thursday as thousands of employees discovered their government jobs might involve physically going to the office. This unsettling realization came after reports surfaced that before the Trump administration, IRS agents only had to appear once a week, which many mistook for a polite suggestion.
Insiders say the previous policy created a “spirit of trust,” which often translated to golf at 10 a.m., brunch at 11, and, if feeling spicy, responding to one email per quarter. “I thought the IRS stood for I’m Rarely Seen,” one confused auditor muttered while examining a stapler for the first time in six years. Others simply wandered hallways, blinking at fluorescent lighting like newborn deer.
Sources close to the situation claim the return-to-office policy was met with panic, mild Googling of ‘pants,’ and deep existential dread. “My laptop’s been on the floor since 2021. I was using it as a cat perch,” confessed a veteran agent. In other news, HR has reportedly launched an emergency campaign titled “Yes, That’s Your Desk,” complete with welcome-back Jell-O molds and crying booths on every floor.
Critics of the return policy argue that commuting could interfere with vital taxpayer services like silently ignoring phone calls or waiting to process forms until Mercury is in retrograde. Defenders insist it’s about restoring accountability, or at least remembering where the bathrooms are. Some suggested a compromise involving holograms or trained raccoons. In the mean time, morale remains fragile.
At press time, several IRS staffers were seen staging a peaceful protest by slowly wheeling their ergonomic chairs out of the building in solemn silence. Whether anyone actually notices they’ve left remains uncertain, as their replacements reportedly never arrived either. One manager summed it up best: “We’ll get back to you. Eventually.”
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