DOVER, DE — In a heroic initiative to “stay relevant,” Maple Hollow Cemetery has launched free high-speed Wi-Fi across its 32-acre expanse of moss-covered gravestones, sparking both excitement and mild existential dread among local residents who now have one less excuse to avoid visiting grandma’s plot or updating Instagram from a crypt.
Cemetery director Lloyd T. Marlin explained the decision was made after multiple studies showed that dead people are still not checking email. “We realized our main issue wasn’t spiritual unrest, but connectivity,” Marlin noted while holding a signal booster next to a mausoleum. “If the living won’t come here to mourn, maybe they’ll come for TikTok.”
The cemetery’s new slogan, “Stay connected, even when they can’t,” is already being etched into fresh marble headstones at no extra charge. Visitors can now scroll through dating apps while lounging beside centuries-old corpses, blurring the line between ghosting someone on a dating app, and visiting someone who’s literally a ghost. Officials assure the public that most of the supernatural interference was cleared after switching to fiber optic cables.
Initial feedback has been mixed. Some mourners appreciate the ability to livestream their sorrow, while others report unsettling glitches, like Spotify randomly playing funeral dirges or their phones inexplicably showing photos of relatives they’ve never met, staring judgmentally. The cemetery insists these are “localized coincidences” and recommends clearing browser history before entering.
Future plans include a haunted augmented reality walking tour, limited-edition crypt NFTs, and an eerie digital assistant named Moanica who reads epitaphs aloud in a soothing whisper. Maple Hollow hopes to set a nationwide trend, proving cemeteries can be more than decaying reminders of mortality. “Death is eternal,” Marlin said, “but our signal is unlimited.” No word yet on undead tech support.
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