In a dashing new twist on economic despair, the average U.S. rate for a 30-year mortgage has climbed to 6.83%, the highest it’s been since late February. Economists are calling it a “minor fluctuation,” while first-time homebuyers are calling it “a solid reason to scream into a pillow for twelve hours straight.”
This increase arrives just in time for the spring homebuying season, traditionally the time when hopeful couples pretend they can afford more than a studio with exposed pipes and raccoon roommates. One couple in Ohio reportedly burst into tears after calculating they could now afford a slightly larger patch of dirt, provided they never eat again.
Banking executives celebrated the rise by clinking glasses filled with the tears of aspiring homeowners. “It’s a natural correction,” one financial expert said while purchasing a fourth vacation home in Aspen. “Rates go up and down, much like your dreams.” His tie was woven from foreclosure notices and crushed optimism.
In response, millennials have begun burying jars of cash under houseplants and referring to sheds as “alternative living structures.” The average starter home now requires either a six-figure salary or a blood pact with a regional warlord. Open houses now include therapy dogs and emotional support whiskey. The dogs are also pre-approved.
Real estate agents insist it’s still a great time to buy, if you enjoy being financially haunted. Some have started listing homes using phrases like “soul-friendly interest rates” and “mortgage-adjacent lifestyles.” In other ‘shocking’ developments, Zillow searches are down, and Google searches for “how to fake your own death and escape capitalism” are trending.
Experts predict rates could rise further, or not, depending on what the invisible market gods decide during their next chaotic séance. Until then, enjoy paying rent to a guy named Chad who bought in 2012.
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