A full-scale war has erupted across TikTok and YouTube as influencers race to secure the final shreds of human attention before it’s entirely absorbed by ceiling fan reviews and AI-generated soap operas. The battleground is cluttered with mukbang explosions, crying clowns on segways, and shirtless apologies delivered mid-skydive into inflatable pools of ranch.
Last week, one creator achieved temporary dominance by tattooing trending hashtags directly onto their forehead while juggling live scorpions. The video was immediately demonetized but gained thirty million views, a sponsorship from energy drinks, and a cease-and-desist letter from PETA. Their mom left a comment that simply read, “Why?” The creator replied with a heart emoji.
Experts say attention is the only remaining currency that can’t be faked by bots, though several startups are trying. Algorithms now reward chaos, despair, and unexplained screaming. One beauty influencer posted a six-hour silent video of her staring into the sun while whispering “engagement.” It was later revealed to be a paid partnership with sunglasses. The sunglasses were unavailable for comment.
Psychologists warn that viewers are developing a rare condition known as Content Vertigo, where the brain forgets what it just watched but still compulsively hits “like.” Several patients claimed they thought they were watching life advice but woke up subscribed to seventeen channels about pet squirrels and quantum thirst traps. The symptoms are not reversible.
Platform CEOs have responded by saying things like, “We love our creators,” while quietly adjusting the algorithm to only promote videos involving glitter, crying, or near-death experiences. One developer said, “It’s not evil if it converts.” For the time being, the war rages on. The last person with a ten-second attention span is expected to be auctioned on Twitch this Friday. Bidding starts at one dopamine hit.
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