Father Anthony DeMarco entered St. Augustine’s Parish on Monday with rosary in hand and grace in his heart. By Tuesday morning, he was knee-deep in whiskey, listening to R.E.M. on loop, muttering, “That’s me in the corner,” as he picked crucifix splinters out of his palms. Parishioners found him face-down in the baptismal font.
The catalyst, according to reports, was The Heretic, a critically panned horror film starring Hugh Grant as a demonologist-slash-tap-dancer who accidentally opens the gates of hell through a mispronounced Latin prayer and an off-Broadway show tune. Father DeMarco watched it during a youth movie night. The children reportedly fled after twenty minutes.
Witnesses say DeMarco initially chuckled at the premise but grew visibly pale around the scene where Grant battles Beelzebub with a possessed clarinet. By the climactic goat ballet, the priest had begun whispering “None of this is real,” into his sleeve and questioning the Apostles’ haircuts. He has not opened the Bible since.
The Archdiocese released a statement expressing regret over the incident, calling it “an unfortunate collision of sacrilege and British charisma.” When asked if Father DeMarco would return to his duties, officials said, “We’re just trying to get him out of that bathrobe and off the roof.” As of press time, he was building a shrine to Richard Dawkins using discarded hymnals.
Local Catholics remain shaken, but surprisingly intrigued. One elderly nun reportedly asked if Hugh Grant had any other exorcism-themed roles. In the meantime, DeMarco has been spotted at a nearby vegan cafe telling confused patrons, “Nothing matters, but Hugh does have range.” He’s expected to publish a memoir titled From Pews to Pagans: My Fall Into Cinematic Heresy. Preorders are already outpacing the parish newsletter.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
