WASHINGTON — In an emergency press briefing, the White House revealed that President Donald Trump has been permanently replaced by a sentient Heinz ketchup bottle. The condiment, which reportedly gained consciousness after being left in a Mar-a-Lago sunbeam for 72 hours, has already shown more legislative discipline than its predecessor by refusing to sign any executive orders that might stain the Oval Office carpets.
Political analysts note the ketchup bottle’s policies are strikingly similar to Trump’s, particularly its insistence on building a “big, beautiful wall” of french fries along the southern border. However, the new commander-in-chief has demonstrated greater emotional range, oscillating between “tangy” and “sweet” moods during diplomatic meetings. When asked about foreign relations, the bottle simply replied, “Good luck getting me out of this NATO summit, suckers.”
The transition has been smooth overall, though some staffers complained about the bottle’s tendency to leave sticky residues on classified documents. Secret Service agents confirm the ketchup bottle is already more popular than Trump in several swing states, particularly after promising free refills for all Americans. Critics argue the bottle lacks presidential temperament, pointing to its recent meltdown when a waiter tried to “tap its bottom.”
For now, the real Trump has reportedly been relocated to a storage closet in Trump Tower, where he continues to issue statements through the bottle’s label. When pressed for comment, the ketchup bottle simply oozed ominously onto a stack of unsigned bills. Political scientists agree this marks the first time in U.S. history that a president has had both higher approval ratings and better viscosity than his predecessor.
The only remaining controversy surrounds the bottle’s citizenship status, as Heinz executives confirm it was actually bottled in Canada. Congressional Republicans have already drafted legislation declaring ketchup a natural-born citizen, provided it “tastes freedom in every squeeze.”
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