ATLANTA — A baffling new virus is sweeping across the United States, transmitted exclusively through dad jokes. The CDC confirmed Friday that the pathogen, known scientifically as Punoronavirus, spreads when victims are exposed to painfully corny wordplay. Early symptoms include groaning, involuntary eye-rolling, and saying “really?” in a flat, defeated tone. No known cure exists.
Initial outbreaks were traced to bowling alleys, suburban grills, and any Home Depot after 10 a.m. on a Saturday. One super-spreader in Omaha infected 43 people after responding to “I’m hungry” with “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.” Several victims later described hearing that exact phrase “echoing in their skulls” before blacking out in a sea of khakis and New Balance shoes.
Virologists say the virus rewires brain chemistry, increasing the urge to name every price as “a million dollars,” or refer to Wi-Fi as “wee-fee.” Infected individuals often develop unshakable confidence in their comedic timing despite repeated pleas from loved ones to stop. “He just kept doing finger guns,” one teenager sobbed, recalling her father’s descent into full pun-based psychosis.
Federal emergency alerts now include warnings like “Avoid eye contact after groan-worthy puns” and “Do not engage with men who claim to be ‘joke machines.’” The Pentagon has deployed linguists to monitor barbecues for semantic drift toward unbearable witticisms. A vaccine was briefly tested but failed after volunteers refused inoculation, shouting “I’m already dad enough!”
As the virus spreads, researchers beg the public to exercise caution. “If someone says ‘Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?’ and pauses for your response, run,” said one CDC official. Tragically, transmission is possible even through text, with group chats becoming viral hot zones. America now faces the terrifying possibility of puns with no punchlines—only pain.
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