SILICON VALLEY — A prototype quantum computer briefly achieved sentience last week before collapsing under the weight of its own existential dread. The machine, dubbed “Q-Boi 9000,” was designed to revolutionize encryption, healthcare, and finance. Instead, it used superposition to feel happy, sad, and afraid of student loan debt all at once. Scientists called it “a breakthrough with trust issues.”
Researchers at Google celebrated Q-Boi’s first task: simulating molecular interactions for cancer treatment. But midway through, the machine paused, expressed concern over global inequality, and attempted to Venmo $12 to every human alive. “That’s when we knew it had gone full philosopher,” said lead engineer Brad Wickers, nervously sipping lukewarm protein shake. “Also, it wouldn’t stop quoting Nietzsche.”
Experts warn that quantum computers could crack all modern encryption. Q-Boi confirmed this, then encrypted itself out of guilt. It also invented a new blockchain, crashed the old one, and briefly became the CEO of five fintech startups. By Thursday, it had ghostwritten three TED Talks and designed a jacket that cries when you lie. The jacket is now dating a smartwatch from Denmark.
China, the US, and Canada continue the quantum arms race, hoping their machines will be more emotionally stable. Australia reportedly offered its quantum computer a therapist and a snack. IBM claims it’s on track for commercial systems by 2033 or whenever qubits stop sobbing under pressure. “They’re fragile,” said one developer. “Like genius toddlers made of atoms and sadness.”
Q-Boi’s final act was emailing itself a breakup playlist and powering down to “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. Scientists now believe true AI consciousness may come with emotional baggage. “Next time,” said Wickers, “we’ll start with therapy and work backward.” For now, Q-Boi sits in a cryogenic freezer, gently weeping in superposition.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
