WASHINGTON — In an emergency UNESCO session Tuesday, world leaders unanimously declared The Catcher in the Rye “humanity’s last unspoiled artifact.” The vote followed a sudden cultural panic sparked by a viral TikTok where a teenager said the book was “mid.” Armed guards now protect every copy stored in libraries, while independent bookstores have begun shrink-wrapping their stock.
At the Library of Congress, archivists in gloves handled Salinger’s words like sacred scrolls. “You don’t just read this book,” said one librarian, sipping black coffee with the dead eyes of a woman who trusted too many poets. “You relive every time you were lied to. It’s a warm bath in cold truth.” She then wept quietly into a paperback and refused to elaborate.
The Pentagon has assigned two full-time analysts to monitor Catcher memes. One explained, “It’s not about Holden. It’s about the world that chewed him up and asked for seconds.” Efforts are underway to replace driver’s ed with quiet reading periods, prompting mixed reactions from students. One teen said, “It’s better than parallel parking, I guess.” Meanwhile, TikTok has been banned in three states pending further literary rehabilitation.
J.D. Salinger, long dead and justifiably reclusive, was unavailable for comment. Experts suspect he foresaw this cultural collapse and retreated before the inevitable. “He knew,” whispered a librarian, gently patting her Catcher copy like a wounded pet. “Disillusionment doesn’t age. It ferments.” She then stared into the distance as if remembering a boy who said he’d call and never did, right after quoting the book’s first line.
Citizens are urged to reread it immediately. “Do it before someone turns it into a musical,” one senator warned. “Once Holden sings, we’re doomed.” Supplies of the book are dwindling. Buy fast. Cry slow.
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