In a courageous attempt to protect America from microchips secretly plotting world domination, the U.S. government has imposed tariffs that could cost semiconductor equipment makers over $1 billion. Industry experts estimate the loss with the same accuracy they use to predict robot takeovers and bonus payouts. Officials say the pain is necessary. Analysts say the pain is painful.
The tariffs, introduced under the banner of national security, aim to limit China’s access to advanced chipmaking tools. Critics argue the move mostly limits U.S. companies’ ability to afford lunch. “We’re not saying we can’t innovate,” said one exhausted engineer. “We’re just saying we now have to do it without spare parts, power, or morale. Which is fun.”
The Semiconductor Sadness Index (SSI) spiked this week, mostly because it was invented this week. Company executives met to discuss survival strategies including crying, yelling, and moving to Canada. Some have considered offering the government free tablets made entirely of hope and wire. None of these strategies have proven effective yet, though the yelling was cathartic.
On the other hand, Chinese manufacturers responded by simply building their own machines out of ambition, scrap metal, and passive aggression. This has made U.S. tech firms nervous, as they’re now forced to choose between going broke or accidentally supporting their competitors. “We wanted to beat China,” said one CEO, “but not like this. Not with a belt made of our own spine.”
The Commerce Department released a statement saying that while they regret the financial toll, they believe in the long-term vision. When asked what that vision was, they replied with a series of blinking lights and ambient whirring noises. Industry leaders are now bracing for more tariffs, fewer sales, and the realization that patriotism does not pay the electricity bill.
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