President Donald Trump has reportedly embraced the Goth lifestyle privately citing the soothing qualities of Bauhaus and fishnet sleeves. An aide confirmed the transformation after discovering him brooding in a candlelit Mar-a-Lago bathroom murmuring lyrics from The Cure. “He finds solace in eyeliner and despair” the aide whispered before being escorted into an unmarked van.
Sources say Trump began the shift after mistaking a Sisters of Mercy playlist for a speech transcript. He reportedly listened and said it was the best briefing he had ever heard. Soon after he began ordering only black food demanding all ketchup be dyed accordingly. He also replaced Secret Service uniforms with Victorian coats and lace gloves.
Witnesses spotted him pacing alone muttering about darkness and electoral betrayal while clutching a velvet skull. Former staff report the Lincoln Bedroom has been redecorated with cobwebs, framed portraits of Edgar Allan Poe, and a fog machine. One maid claimed he demanded she “only clean with haunted energy.”
At press events Trump now wears leather boots, mesh shirts, and pale foundation explaining to reporters that “truth hides in shadows.” No one asked follow-up questions. He then played Siouxsie and the Banshees on a boombox, and declared war on sunlight. Congress issued a statement expressing confusion and mild support.
Experts theorize the Goth turn may reflect internal turmoil over diminishing relevance although some suspect it’s just another branding stunt. Melania reportedly does not comment, but has been seen wearing a spiked collar.
“He is expressing his sadness the only way he knows how” one aide said while setting up a fog projector in the Oval Office. Goth teens nationwide remain torn between ironic admiration and legal action. One said “We didn’t ask for this but at least he finally feels something.”
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