OXFORD — In a historic decision made exclusively by the internet, Emma Watson has been crowned the Most Beautiful Woman In The Whole World by a coalition of Harry Potter fans, keyboard philosophers, and people who still believe in magic. The Daily Snort published the official ranking, citing symmetry, feminism, and a perfectly timed eyebrow raise in The Goblet of Fire.
Around the globe, fans have constructed elaborate shrines in her honor, ranging from tasteful altar candles to one troubling 40-foot statue made entirely of recycled Hermione DVDs. These worshippers, many of whom haven’t interacted with a real woman in months, say Watson’s beauty is matched only by her unwavering commitment to gender equality and neutral-toned knitwear.
One shrine-builder in rural Canada claims Watson visited him in a dream and told him to compost more. Another insists she appears in his tea leaves weekly to whisper gentle reminders about wage gaps. Religious scholars are now debating whether she qualifies as a full deity or just a celestial figurehead for liberal arts majors who cry during United Nations speeches.
Her supporters cite her work with the UN, her Oxford degree, and the way she holds books like they are rare animals. Critics, meanwhile, say the obsession is getting weird and ask why no one built a shrine for Alan Rickman. Their petitions have so far been ignored by the Church of Watsontology.
Watson herself has not commented but was last seen holding a tote bag and disappearing into a fogbank, possibly on her way to bless a Women’s Studies classroom. Experts warn this level of devotion may soon require tax exemption status and robes. The Vatican declined to weigh in but did say her Instagram “radiates intense calm.” Amen to that.
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