BROOKLYN — Local pizza delivery worker Marco DiLorenzo confessed Thursday he now lives in constant fear of being replaced by a drone that doesn’t cry in traffic. After eight years navigating Manhattan’s chaos, he suspects the machines might deliver hot food and suppress existential dread better than he ever could.
“I used to be proud,” said DiLorenzo, wiping marinara off his jeans. “People knew me. Now they stare at the sky, waiting for a robot that doesn’t flinch when a rat runs across its tire.” He claims one drone beat him to an order last week, hovering smugly outside the customer’s window like an airborne threat to minimum wage.
DiLorenzo admits the drones are faster, more efficient, and less likely to argue with customers who insist they ordered garlic knots. One customer reportedly tipped a drone with Venmo and a thank-you wave, saying it had “great energy.” Marco says he hasn’t felt “great energy” since 2019 and even then it was brief.
When not dodging potholes and scooter kids, Marco checks rooftops for drone bases. “I swear one followed me,” he muttered. “They learn your routes. They adapt. I saw one do a barrel roll to avoid a pigeon.” He believes they’re union-proof, waterproof, and possibly powered by crushed gig worker dreams.
Management hasn’t confirmed a full switch to automation, though a flyer in the break room reads, “Be the drone you want to see in the world.” DiLorenzo now delivers with a growing sense of doom and a laminated resume that still lists “parallel parking” as a skill. His biggest fear? That drones will soon start telling jokes too, and customers won’t miss his tragic charisma.
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