WASHINGTON, D.C. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg appeared in federal court this week, bravely defending his decision to acquire every popular app in existence by claiming it was all just a fun accident. Wearing his finest courtroom expression, Zuckerberg insisted he simply liked Instagram’s filters and thought WhatsApp was “neat,” not a sinister market-crushing strategy.
When confronted with his own emails describing Instagram as a threat and discussing how far behind Meta was, Zuckerberg clarified that he was just “venting to the void.” He assured the court that these were youthful musings from a man who merely happened to be consolidating global communication platforms at the time. The court nodded politely and wrote things down in silence.
The FTC, still nostalgic for the days when it had real teeth, is now asking the court to break up Meta’s empire. Meanwhile, Meta is arguing that buying competitors to avoid competing with them is a form of community outreach. “Improving and growing” is the official company line, not “neutralizing and absorbing,” which is apparently frowned upon in antitrust law. Allegedly.
Legal experts say the case could go either way, depending entirely on whether the judge understands how the internet works. “It’s tough,” said one professor. “Social media monopolies are like ghosts. Everyone sees them. No one can catch them. And they haunt democracy.”
In a completely unrelated move, Meta has added several Trump allies to its board, donated to Trump’s inaugural fund, and paid Trump $25 million to stop yelling. When asked if this influenced its chances, a Meta spokesperson replied with a smile shaped like a dollar sign and disappeared into a cloud of lawyers.
Zuckerberg continues testimony tomorrow. Expected topics include emojis, freedom, and how mergers are actually just friendships.
