BOISE — During a spirited rally titled “Fighting Oligarchy,” Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez warned that Republicans are secretly majoring in psychological warfare, with a minor in chaos. According to her, GOP strategists plan to divide Americans like a group project gone wrong, using race, geography, and vague vibes to distract from tax cuts and climate denial.
Flanked by Bernie Sanders, who may have shouted so hard he reset three pacemakers, Ocasio-Cortez insisted that the real battle isn’t left versus right but people versus being tricked into arguing at Thanksgiving again. She urged Americans to stop viewing each other as ideological enemies and start viewing billionaires as the real shared nemesis. Preferably while holding pitchforks.
Meanwhile, tech billionaires like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg were targeted for allegedly opposing diversity efforts. One anonymous insider claimed Musk now identifies as “Post-Woke,” a term that doesn’t mean anything but will be monetized soon. Trump was also criticized for blaming poor military recruitment on “too many feelings,” which he reportedly diagnosed using a bald eagle and vibes.
Experts say these identity politics debates have become so potent they now qualify for their own Netflix genre. Political analyst Eddie Glaude noted that Kamala Harris’s defeat was partly fueled by voters reacting to DEI programs like they were haunted dolls. Diversity, it seems, is fine until it reaches your local HOA.
As Americans continue to rage-tweet from both ends of the spectrum, polls show the average citizen now believes identity politics is either the root of all evil or a made-up term created by someone named Chad. Unity remains theoretical. For now, Americans can take comfort in knowing that billionaires are still rich, politicians are still yelling, and someone’s uncle is definitely typing a Facebook rant about pronouns.
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