WASHINGTON, D.C. — A female fencer who knelt during the national anthem now finds herself invited to Congress, which is basically the Olympics of not listening. Lawmakers are eager to hear from someone who does sports and opinions simultaneously, a combination they find suspicious and potentially contagious. The hearing will be live-streamed for no educational reason.
She will testify alongside the USA Fencing chair, whose support for transgender inclusion has caused many representatives to spontaneously combust in private meetings. Congress believes sports should remain politics-free, unless it involves taxpayer-funded stadiums, halftime military salutes, or senators in baseball uniforms yelling about tradition while eating nachos and actively ignoring every tradition.
The kneeling fencer, still recovering from the emotional trauma of not being tackled by security, is expected to explain why kneeling is an act of protest and not a secret signal to activate sleeper agents. Her fencing coach clarified that “taking a knee” was not part of training, and that the last protest at a fencing event involved someone refusing to wear white after Labor Day.
Experts warn the hearing could spiral. One senator has prepared graphs shaped like sabers and is convinced fencing is a gateway sport to interpretive dance, which is reportedly French. Another has confused fencing with fencing stolen goods and wants answers. The rest plan to nod solemnly while checking sports betting apps under the table.
The fencer is optimistic Congress might listen, despite their historical allergy to nuance. She brought her foil in case someone mistakes civility for weakness again. No word on whether any minds will change, but the House gift shop now sells commemorative knee-pads, just in case this becomes a trend. God bless freedom, especially when it wears protective gear.
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