HELSINKI — A new study has confirmed what many already knew deep down in their cheese-stuffed arteries: meat eaters do not fear tofu, they fear being wrong. Researchers found that vegans evoke deep emotions like fear, envy, and rage. One participant reportedly screamed “NOT THE LENTILS” when shown a grocery list with oat milk and tempeh.
According to the study, meat eaters viewed fictional vegan shoppers as competent and morally superior, which apparently was enough to provoke full existential meltdowns. In one case, a German respondent admitted feeling “physically threatened” by chickpeas. Scientists believe this response is linked to the subconscious realization that kale doesn’t scream when harvested, unlike most dinner options.
The researchers noted that resentment had little to do with flavor, cost, or availability. Instead, the dominant fear was social: that switching to lentil loaf would lead to complete exile from barbecues, sports bars, and late-night regret burgers. Many carnivores claimed a vegan lifestyle would isolate them from society and their grill-loving fathers named Ron.
For now, vegans were not interviewed for the study, because scientists said they already know how vegans feel. The answer is “smug.” Still, some ethical eaters expressed disappointment that their broccoli-fueled lives are causing psychological carnage. One vegan said, “I just want to eat chickpeas and pet cows, and not trigger emotional landslides.”
Experts predict this emotional tension will continue until either plant-based diets become completely mainstream or all cows unionize and demand dental plans. Until then, the battle between meat and morality simmers quietly in break rooms across Europe. Grocery stores remain neutral territory, though some customers report making eye contact in the produce aisle and feeling judged by a zucchini. Peace, like seitan, may remain hard to swallow.
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