BOULDER — In a move experts are calling “audacious” and fans are calling “slightly terrifying,” Travis Hunter announced he would rather quit football entirely than be forced to play only one position. When asked to clarify, Hunter said, “Yes, both sides of the ball. All the time. Forever. Even if my lungs file a complaint.”
The statement comes ahead of the NFL Draft where teams are desperately wondering if their training staff includes therapists. Hunter, a generational two-way talent, has made it clear he is not interested in being labeled. Or limited. Or told to sit down. One scout reportedly wept after trying to assign him a position. He is still missing.
Meanwhile, the University of Colorado is retiring Hunter’s jersey while he is still technically alive. The school also retired Shedeur Sanders’ jersey, prompting critics to ask if they plan to retire the locker room too. Patrick Mahomes, whose Texas Tech number is still available, was seen staring out a window, whispering, “I threw for 734 yards once.”
Deion Sanders, coach and living motivational poster, supported the jersey retirements, saying, “Why wait until after they leave? Or accomplish more?” Local students are petitioning to retire Deion’s sunglasses and possibly the sun. “Too much brightness,” one sophomore claimed. “We just want to vibe.”
NFL teams remain intrigued but cautious. One executive said, “Hunter is incredible, but so was Bo Jackson and look what happened.” Another added, “If he plays both ways and returns punts, we’re going to need liability insurance with a therapist hotline.” Travis remains unfazed. He continues training, sleeping in cleats, and referring to the NFL Combine as “a warm-up.” He also announced plans to be the league’s first self-appointed referee. The NFL is quietly panicking.
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