MARRAKESH — Local tourist Brent Halverson, 34, arrived in Morocco last week seeking “authentic vibes” and left five days later with three stomach parasites, one cursed rug, and zero trust in Yelp reviews. “The colors were vibrant,” he said from a hotel toilet, “but so was the food poisoning.” He has not stopped sweating since Tuesday.
Halverson booked the trip after seeing an influencer ride a camel while holding a smoothie. “It looked spiritual,” he explained, moments before being scammed by a man named allegedly “Cousin of Snake King.” His desert tour included seven stray dogs, four mirages, and one inexplicable accordion battle. The camel bit him. Twice. It was named Diane.
Things got worse when he asked for a vegetarian meal and was handed a plate of “lamb but mostly bone.” Halverson tried bargaining at a market and left owning twelve drums, a feather hat, and deep personal shame. Locals described his negotiation tactics as “aggressively apologetic” and “confusing for everyone involved.” He spent $800 on a soap dish.
At one point, Halverson attempted to use Google Maps. It led him to a courtyard where he was serenaded by teenagers with flutes who demanded euros and trauma-sharing. “I just wanted directions,” he whispered, still clutching his passport and a bottle of Tums. He did not find the museum.
Upon returning to his Airbnb, Halverson discovered it was now a hookah lounge. His belongings had been respectfully moved into the street and rearranged into a very tasteful art display. “They even lit candles,” he admitted. “Which was thoughtful, and possibly witchcraft.” He slept in an alley with a cat named Gerald.
Halverson is now recovering in a place with walls, electricity, and no henna ambushes. He has deleted Instagram. The rug still whispers.
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